Week 21: Still holding

When I was four years old, my grandpa passed away. He was very ill from Parkinson's, but in his day he was a cattle rancher and seemed to have a way of communicating with the animals. He was a very special person to me and although I only knew him for a short time before he left this earth, his kind and generous soul left an impression on me.  When his illness took over he and my grandma came to live with us.  Although I was very young I can still recall mornings where he would make a tasty breakfast treat called milk toast cereal for me. We would sit together quietly while we ate our milk toast.  His hands would shake as he tried to eat his milk toast and somehow I never questioned why, I was just happy to be near him.  His presence made me feel happy, loved, safe, and secure. I don't remember much about his death, except that as a child I never understood where he went and my world felt lonely for a long time without him.

Several years ago after being diagnosed with Lupus, I was going through a very low spot in my life and I began to have a recurring dream that seemed so real I had trouble determining if it was an actual memory, or just a really vivid dream. Regardless, the dream always seems to occur at a time when I feel most vulnerable and unsure of my life and always seems to bring me comfort during a time when I need it most. In the dream I am in a field and although there are houses in the distance, the space is open and free of the noise of suburbia. It is a gorgeous sunny, summer morning with a slight breeze and I can feel the breeze blowing wisps of my hair against my cheek.  I can hear the sound of meadowlarks somewhere nearby and from where I am sitting in the field I can see the most delicate purple/blue and orange wild flowers in bloom everywhere I look. They make the air smell fresh and sweet. Suddenly I am viewing the dream as if watching an old movie and as I watch from above I can see me, as a child of four or five, laughing and running toward my grandpa at the end of the field, his arms out-stretched. He is smiling and when I reach him he picks me up and lifts me high above his head and twirls me around. The dream always ends as I look down at him and realize he isn't ill anymore.  It has been a while since I've had this dream, but last Sunday night before my appointment with my OB I once again had this dream. I've been very stressed and worried since I learned my cervix was funneling in week 17 of my pregnancy and I like to think the dream was a sign from my grandpa that everything is going to be okay.


Week 22 - Profile Already One Pound

I had a great OB appointment this week that made me feel so much better about everything.  Our little guy at 21 weeks and 3 days measured big for his gestation and already weighs 1 pound according to the ultrasound.  This may not seem very significant, but having previously delivered a child at 24 weeks and 2 days weighing 1 pound, 5 1/2 ounces, this seems like a gift. For more information on average fetal length and weight for gestational age please click here.

I spoke with the ultrasound technician regarding my fears surrounding the internal ultrasound wand and she said that since she needed to measure the baby this week, she would start with the ultrasound on my stomach and see if she could get a good view of my cervix and the cerclage that way.  She agreed that if I felt like it was causing me trouble to do the internal ultrasound, I shouldn't do it for now. Luckily she was able to see my cervix using only the stomach ultrasound probe and I learned that although my cervix had shortened two weeks prior to 2.6 cm, I am holding steady at 2.6 cm in length. Since the doctor told me two weeks prior that as long as I stay between 2.6 and 2.9cm in length, it made me wonder if your cervix can lengthen once it has shortened.  I asked her if this was possible and she said yes.  She told me that generally they like to see the cervix at 3 cm in length, which is the average length during pregnancy, but also informed me not to worry because she had witnessed women who had cervix's that shortened to 1 cm and still were able to get their babies to term. 

However, when my doctor met with me later in the appointment I approached him with my fears and instincts about the internal ultrasound and he did not share my same views. He dismissed my fears and said that it was impossible that the transvaginal wand would make me cramp, feel inflamed cervically, and have contractions. I shared with him my conversations with the moms in my preemie support group and the similar experiences the have also had but this did not deter him.  He informed me matter-of-factly that I apparently had an allergy to latex and that is why I was experiencing such symptoms. I was a bit taken aback especially since I have never had any indication I am allergic to latex.  So when I explained to him that my ultrasound technician said she could see my cervix with the stomach probe, he said that was fine as long as she could see it that way and if not she would have to use the internal ultrasound.  More or less I was told I didn't have a choice because he had to be able to know the length of my cervix every time they did the ultrasound. At least my tech understood and although she explained as the baby grows she might not be able to see the cervix with the stomach probe she would respect my wishes and always try to use the stomach probe first. 

My birthday was last Saturday and knowing how worried and stressed I have been lately my sister took me for a prenatal massage and dinner. It was the most wonderful present and really helped me to finally relax. The prenatal table was amazing and had a cutout for my belly -- super comfy.  I think it was the first time since I started experiencing some complications that I forgot and just lived in the moment.  I was very relaxed and realized that I have been also tensing the muscles in my back, stomach, shoulders. I think I need to start going for weekly massages.

The baby has been kicking mostly at night starting at 10 pm through the wee hours of the morning. His kicks are becoming very strong and my husband has now been able to feel them. I love the feeling of his kicks because it lets me know he is still there and thriving. I've learned from my past pregnancies with my girls that usually their wake cycles in-utero are a good indicator of wake cycles after birth, so it looks like we will have another night owl like my oldest daughter. Right now, my youngest has some sleep disturbances that wake her a few hours after falling asleep, but we are working on that with her doctor. She is really a morning person and is ready to start her day most days at 5 am. I have a feeling her sleeping will even out just as or son is born.


Week 22 - Face and Arm


Today I turned 22 weeks and I feel like it is a major milestone.  Three years ago at 22 weeks in my last pregnancy, I was lying in a hospital bed in trendelenburg position hoping I would be able to get my child to a viable point where she could live outside of my womb. I am thankful that although I have had some complications with this pregnancy, I am still holding strong and am able to be at home with my family. Earlier this week I started weekly appointments with the doctor and bi-weekly appointments for an ultrasound.

However, with that said I want to honest that it has been very difficult to manage my stress level worrying about the pregnancy, taking care of the girls on bedrest, and trying to keep the house cleaned.  I think if I can manage my stress level and not worry so much, I will be okay.  As a perfectionist by nature, it has been hard to relinquish control and wait for others to help me with daily housework, etc. With two young children messes happen very quickly and in trying not to jump up and clean up after them as I normally would, the house tends to get very messy.  I'm generally someone who tries to be super woman by getting everything done in record time trying to do everything myself, so relying on others does not come easy to me. But I am learning, I know I have to for my child. 

My husband has been great about helping me around the house and bless his heart for understanding when I am picky about how the cleaning of our wood floors and other housework, etc should be done. It might be hard for non-perfectionists to understand but it really is a process of letting go and just appreciating the help. I'm working on it. I know I have to for our growing baby boy. My husband is working on completing the last 5 classes of his masters degree and works full time.  I am very proud of him for his accomplishments and know that me being on modified bed rest has been hard for him too.  Eventually, I think we might have to hire someone to help with housework, and perhaps a in-home nanny who can help part time with the girls while I get the baby to term. Both of my children are super bored since mommy has not been able to go for our regular walks to the park and just have our normal day, but they are also both excited about their new brother on the way.  With all of that said, I still know growing our family is the right thing for us and I really don't have that much longer before I will be term.

In many ways, since I had not had the dream about my grandpa in a while, I am positive my subconscious by way of my grandpa is trying to tell me to free my spirit and just let go of the control I always need to have on my life. I need to let go for my baby boy so I can get him to full term. I started this journey knowing the risks, and honestly it could be much worse at this point so I am choosing today to relax, to find the humor in situations.  I am going to start meditating again as I know this is a very helpful tool.

Thank you for reading this weeks blog! Sorry I was so late with it. As always we appreciate all the prayers and support! Stay tuned for week 22 adventures!