Week 23: The Rain Came Down...Literally

I am happy to report I am approaching my 24^th week!  The last two weeks have been trying, but have brought my husband and I closer and helped us both to see how our reactions to stress, fear of losing the baby, and just life in general directly affects our children and how they react to stress.

One of my all time favorite children's authors and illustrators is David Shannon.  His books are witty, heartwarming, cleverly illustrated, and sometimes a bit off the wall but children are captivated by the artwork and seem to quickly grasp the meaning behind the story. My children love his books. We own "A Bad Case of Stripes", "No David!", and "The Rain Came Down."  My two year old frequently asks for the "rain book" because it calms her and helps her fall asleep. Last week while reading to her at nap time it suddenly struck me how relevant the moral of the story applied to my life in that moment. "The Rain Came Down" does a great job of demonstrating cause and effect.While the rhythmic tone in my voice when recently reading the book helped to finally lull my daughter to sleep for a rare nap, the story also served as a reminder that when I allow the weight of the world to rest upon my shoulders, my children feel it too.

It started well into my 22nd week when I began to feel a lot of pressure on my cervix from my growing baby boy and I was beginning to feel incredibly grumpy, exhausted, and worried.  I found myself doing something I don't normally do -- I was yelling... a lot, about everything, and at everyone. My belly is protruding much farther at this point than my last two pregnancies and even walking up the stairs presents difficulties. The progesterone shots have intensified my hormones, not to mention emotions, and the Procardia medication that is helping to stop contractions is causing headaches and near fainting spells from how low it has made my blood pressure. My youngest daughter has had terrible insomnia and has refused to sleep, waking between 2 am and 4 am each night and not falling back asleep. With everyone on edge from lack of sleep my oldest began to relentlessly pick fights with her sister and in turn her sister began to fight back, the housework seemed to be piling up and was getting on my every last nerve, I developed a rash from the progesterone injections and sitting had become very uncomfortable.  I began to start panicking that with the entire discord of the last two weeks I was going to deliver the baby early. I knew at weeks 22 and 23 weeks he would not be strong enough to survive outside of my womb at our high elevation.  However, during this simple moment holding my youngest while reading "The Rain Came Down" I was somehow snapped back into reality helping me realize I really need to relax.

I took a deep breath and began to think about all of the good things I had going for me and for my family. I realized in that moment that I couldn't let my family fall apart and I needed to approach the situation differently trying my best to let things roll off my back. This is hard for me as I have already said in previous posts, being a perfectionist is not something you can just change overnight. The expectations I place on myself far supercede any expectations that someone else would place upon me. However, with that said I made a mental checklist of the great things that were going right for us. And honestly, we have many blessings with this pregnancy. On Friday of last week I reached a milestone in this pregnancy: 23 weeks.  This Friday I will be 24 weeks! Victory!

After my 23 week ultrasound this week I am feeling very hopeful and see new light that things are definitely looking up and full term is a possibility for our baby boy.  I feel blessed that I have made it this far in my pregnancy despite some of the ups and downs, and I am doing my best to ensure I can get the baby well past 31 weeks -- a goal that my doctor gave me in order to keep the baby out of a level 3 NICU and remain at the amazing hospital I was at initially with my last pregnancy before I had to be transferred. Of course the doctor wants me to get him much further in gestation, but this is a little goal to help me break up the remaining weeks and allow me to feel I am making progress. We discussed the emotions that I’ve been experiencing from when I first into the hospital with my last pregnancy and as I wait to get well past the 24^th week when my daughter was born.  He sees a lot of women who ae high risk pregnancies with previous early births and who also have a cerclage.  He has explained to me that the emotions and fear I am experiencing are normal and something he has seen almost all of his high risk patients experience.

So I must take a moment to digress to help everyone understand why I would be particularly emotional at this point in my current pregnancy. With my previous pregnancy, it was at 22 weeks and 6 days when I was transported from one hospital on the north end of town to level 3 NICU hospital on the south end of town. En route the ambulance hit a pot hole in the road and my water bag developed a slow leak. I was angry to say the least, given that I lasted for a week at the first hospital dilated 5 cm, water bag hanging, but no leak. When my OB returned from his vacation he debated whether to send me by flight for life or ambulance. I will never know why he chose ambulance. Upon arrival at the new hospital we received distressing news that my husband and I needed to make a decision on whether or not to resuscitate our daughter because the maternal fetal doctors and neonatologists had consulted and it was determined I would deliver her within a few hours. The prognosis?  Not if, but when I delivered her later that day she would not live and we were told most parents choose not to resuscitate because most felt it was cruel given all of the medical issues that would follow at that early of gestation.

Hubby and I kicked everyone out of the room and held each other while we made the gut wrenching decision to not resuscitate should I deliver that day. I cried myself to sleep that night. But the next morning, I was still pregnant and my baby girl was still kicking me to let me know she was still holding on. I called my husband bright and early the next morning to let him know, "I'm still pregnant." By now, you know we made the decision to resuscitate her and I then began a fight with the maternal fetal doctors to get corticosteroids to help her lung development. That was a battle in and of itself, but I'll save that story for my book. So given that experience, it's no wonder that I've been emotional and holding my breath until I am well past my 24th week.

 At my OB appointment this week, I spoke with the doctor about starting corticosteroids. He agreed that we would start them in week 28 as a precaution to help the babies lungs develop, but if my cervix suddenly shortened before that time, and it caused him concern, he would start them earlier. Please click on this link from Healthline.com for more information on corticosteroid treatment and early births.

I am happy to report that according to my ultrasound this week my cervix has lengthened to 3.2 cm, which is a victory considering I was at 2.6 cm two weeks ago and I’ve felt immense pressure on my cervix in the last two weeks. Apparently my attempt at modified bed rest is working while still caring for my girls.  I’ve done my best to rest on the couch when not making them lunch and snacks or playing with them. I have also not tried to vacuum or mop since my 17th week when my cervix started to funnel – this is a big deal for a perfectionist. I am proud to say that the baby looks great and although they couldn't measure him at this appointment due to insurance policies, they thought he looked like he was growing normally. The ultrasound tech will do another measurement of the baby’s size when I am 25 weeks.

He’s been moving regularly and is most active late at night after everyone has gone to bed. He’s quite a strong kicker and often wakes me up after I have fallen asleep. He often moves when he hears his sisters or when daddy comes home from work. I love experiencing his kicks because it affirms he is doing well. I am feeling so much better this week about everything and am truly going to work harder at letting life roll of my back and not rest upon my shoulders.  I have to do this for my health, my baby’s health, and that of my family as a whole. We are blessed to have made it this far in the pregnancy and I plan to keep finding reasons everyday to enjoy the moment and let go of the worry that plagues the back of my mind. It’s the only way this pregnancy will endure and my children will not feel the brunt of everything. We are very excited to have made it this far and I can’t wait to report next week that I’ve made it even further.